i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You dont lie about slip and slides
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
