you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
