we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
