I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
