Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
