There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Congratulations! We have a period
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
