I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
