he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
