So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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