i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
