Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
