he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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