I am spending my child support on dildos
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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