also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
