I wish my penis had an off switch
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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