Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
