These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
