There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
