after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I need moral support for this bender
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
