I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
