We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize