You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
