I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize