so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
