I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
