why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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