When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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