Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
