I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
