So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
