so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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