help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
