She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
