watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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