If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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