so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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