I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
