Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
