In the future we'll all be gay
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
