I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
