Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
