dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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