I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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