Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
your room smells of hookers.
And success
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
bring money and cleavage
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Randomize
