Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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