omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
