Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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