Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
