don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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