Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
