nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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