Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
