my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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