Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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