I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
