I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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