I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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