I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
