First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
