I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
