It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Randomize
