1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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