And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
