I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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