I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
