I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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