Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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