Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
