Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
