Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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