i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
